Making The Most Of YOUR Leather Communities – Younger/ Older, Newbie or Seasoned, There’s Room For Us All!, LIFE 3rd Anniversary

• Presenter: Dale Ross
• Date: July 9 2005
• Location: Diamond Jim's Saloon

3^rd Anniversary Weekend

Saturday, July 9, 2005 Workshop

 

“Making the Most of YOUR Leather Communities –

Younger/Older, Newbie or Seasoned,

There’s Room For Us All!”

 

By: Dale Ross

Private Therapist/Educator

 

[As the anniversary weekend program proposed, and the mainly Gay Leathermen workshop participants confirmed, we know LOTS of Leather Metro Detroiters, BUT finding them locally and trying to get them to do things ‘socially’ is another matter…]

 

I.     This is YOUR Leather Community –

       A.  How is it going for you and those you know and care about?

       B.  We have a rich history of ‘Old Guard’, ‘New Guard’ and more recent viewpoints.

             Other groups, including Straight Leather Communities members are interested in

                 how we accomplished the past and are doing now – they have a positive view!

                 What’s your viewpoint?  Take some time to compare, contrast and discuss…

       C.  IF we don’t care about our Leather Community ourselves, who is going to do?

       D.  Our Leather Community is made up of many, varied and smaller ‘communities’.

             Take some time, occasionally, to check out other groups – see how they are doing and whether they have come up with some

 newer/better/working ideas.

II.    Taking action is an important ingredient to feelings of ‘success’ as a Leatherman.

       A.  I propose being actively involved in leather play is perhaps 10 times more

                satisfying than merely watching as a ‘spectator’. This goes for daily life, too!

            1.  Vicariously observing others at play, I suggest, is sort of like junk food.  It will

                 briefly satisfy, or offer ‘temporary relief’, just as carbohydrates can, but

                 doesn’t have staying power of protein.  Think ‘quality’ versus ‘quantity’.

            2.  Can easily become an ‘addiction’ and a ‘quick fix’ of desperate searching.

            3.  Society benefits from images of ‘perfection’ and always high-energy images,

                     but at our personal costs of satisfaction and/or self-esteem – measuring up?

       B.  We have more options, accessories/toys and guidance than ever before, BUT

                many feel less satisfied or successful in connecting up than ever before…

              “It is the best of times AND worst of times, at this time”. 

       C.   What can you do to help change our Leather culture and norms towards healthier

                   and more satisfying activities and behaviors - actions???

 

III.   Why people join groups:

 

       Discovering and accepting previously unknown or unacceptable parts of myself.

       Being able to say what was bothering me instead of holding it in.

       Other members honestly telling me what they think of me.

       Learning how to express my feelings.

       The group’s teaching me about the type of impression I make on others.

       Expressing negative and/or positive feelings toward another member.

       Learning that I must take ultimate responsibility for the way I live my life no matter

           how much guidance and support I get from others.

       Learning how I come across to others.

       Seeing that others could reveal embarrassing things and take other risks and benefit

           from it helped me to do the same.

       Feeling more trustful of groups and of other people.*

             (From:  The Theory And Practice Of Group Psychotherapy,  by Irvin Yalom, pg. 82, 1975)

 

IV.  Standing may look ‘cool’, but it won’t get you friends or people to play/share with.

       A.  Making friends takes some energy and time – be assertive about what you want!

       B.  Making friends is an acquired skill that gets easier with practice.

            Dale Carnegie courses on self-development can help (but are expensive).

            Toastmasters is a sort of generic Dale Carnegie course and teaches similar skills.

           “Practice makes perfect”… or at least will be a good start.

       C.  Because we are outside mainstream, many of us did not learn these basic skills -

                 IT IS NEVER TOO LATE – PRACTICE!!!  It is also OK not to know, to start.

 

V.   We need to find additional activities/events in which to develop friends over time.

       A.  Sexual ‘play’ is fun, but it doesn’t automatically lead to being ‘friends’/lovers.

       B.  Additional activities can be ‘excuses for getting together’ and sharing personal

                  time, space, interests… get to know the person (beyond sexual compatibility)

       C.  Friends are like gardens, they need tending, nurturing, and occasional weeding…

       D.  Groups, like LIFE Detroit, can be good places to find like-minded potential

                  acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends, and maybe a primary friend.

       E.   Friends can fill the many and varied needs and wants we will come to have:

             1. Physical needs/wants

             2. Safety/security

             3. Sharing or belongingness (community/family/Leather Fraternity)

             4. Self-Esteem

             5. Creativity/self-actualization (prevents boredom)          

             (Adopted from Abraham Maslow’s Hierachy of Needs – psychologist in the ‘50’s)

VI.  We all have relative strengths and weaknesses, areas of familiarity and newness.

       A.  It’s OK to not be familiar with something and to try new things (when ‘safe’).

            We were all ‘new’ to the Leather Community/scene once – it’s not that old.

            This can be included in negotiating a scene or social activity - be open and honest.

       B.  Trying things outside of our comfort zone can be exciting, IF we remember to be

            “Safe, Sane and Consenting” – Negotiate!

            We are not born masters of any activity, and so can be novices of new things, too

       C.  Everyone’s body is not ‘perfection’, but that doesn’t mean play doesn’t feel good

                 to any body, including your’s.  Remember the largest sex organ in the body is

                 the mind.  IF we engage the body, the mind will follow and feel good, too.

       C.  A recent study found that nearly half (41%) of Gay men did not use condoms

                when having sex with someone they met on the Internet.  There is NO need for

                any Gay man, or others, to become infected with the HIV/AIDS virus today!!!

 

VII.   There are many resources to help us feel more comfortable as we learn to be more

             open and communicate our needs and wants in healthy, enjoyable ways – learn.

 

       “The New Game Plan For Recovery–Rediscovering The Positive Power of Play”

         by Tobin Quereau and Tom Zimmermann (available on Amazon.com for as low as

         one cent).  While the authors’ definition of ‘play’ may not be what leathermen have

         in mind, they have some interesting and useful thoughts for your consideration…

 

       “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Jonathan Smith.  Excellent book on basic skills

         of communication. Easy reading with everyday illustrations.

 

       “What The Bleep Do We Know”.  A new video that will challenge and expand

         your ideas of relationships and life in general.  Excellent visual presentation on

        ‘feelings’ and how we can effectively and constructively improve them. Check it

         out at your local video store. ( www.WhatTheBleep.com )

 

         Consider the MANY books currently available on our Leather Community and how

         to play in healthy, satisfying and SAFE ways.  One source, of the many available, is

         the San Francisco leather store Mr. S Leathers ( www.mr-s-leather.com ) Nice toys!

 

VIII.  What can you do for YOUR Leather Communities???

      

       A. Join in… be an active member – ‘active’ being the important word!

       B. Consider taking on a role, or two, occasionally.  Most minorities grew in scope

               and acceptance through the hard work of their leadership and ideals, AND their

               members who participated, that lead to their success.  How about taking a turn?

  1.  We need more activities than simply ‘partying and playing’, IF we are to become a

                      full-service community.  This includes outreach to new members

                      and those allies who would support us if they knew what we were about.

            2.  Spread the word about things you like and upcoming activities, so others know

 

      C.  Offer ‘constructive criticism’ so leaders hear from you and consider your ideas.

            1.  Let them know you care and appreciate what they’ve done.  Too often leaders

                      don’t hear any comments/feedback and are left to wonder how things went.

                      Remember it is usually just a few active members that do most of the work.

            2.  Talk about the events and activities, not the individuals, so ‘egos’ can be left

                      at the door.

           3.  Encourage others to take the lead, especially when they have needed skills and

                     talents.  Spread the work/rewards around, so many can appreciate the hard

                     work and rewards.  Again, too often a small number of individuals end up

                     doing most of the work.  This can lead to burnout or inflated egos…

           4.  Remember to have everyone take a turn (of those who want and are able to)

                     so ALL feel important.

 

      D.  Remember, it’s YOUR Leather Community… Where do you see yourself fitting?

 

            …Levi, Leather, Kinky, Rubber, B/D, Bondage (alone), S/M, Top/Bottom, Latex,

            Gay/Straight/Bi, Male/Female/Trans, Fetish, Kinky, Toys, Electricity, etc…

            (I think you get the idea) – there’s room for EVERY person, their body and taste. 

 

            Have Fun – safe, sane and consenting…LOADS OF FUN!!!

 

           Thank you for your valuable time and consideration of these ideas… PLEASE let

           me know what you think of them, and tell others, too… SPREAD THE WORD!!!